Robin just sent me this - in the Globe and Mail is a series of letters between Ian Brown and Jean Vanier! It is awesome, check it out
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080906.wvanier0906/BNStory/National
this is the link to the first one. you can read the other ones by clicking on the titles in the box on the left.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A New Book!
Hi there...I just started a new book by Jean Vanier - Man and Woman God Made Them. It is a rewrite, apparently first published in 1985, and now revised and updated for 2007, published by Novalis, Saint Paul University, Ottawa. (I found it at Chapters.)
It is a similar book to Becoming Human, but with more on relationships, sexuality and brokenness, among the learning disabled especially, but it applies to everyone of us. I am loving it - I love Jean's heart for people and for the underdog - it is soothing to me, like a warm bath with bubbles and chocolate for my heart.
Check it out and write a post or two - if you like. :) For now I am just soaking. Maybe more on it later.
Happy New Year
Shelley
It is a similar book to Becoming Human, but with more on relationships, sexuality and brokenness, among the learning disabled especially, but it applies to everyone of us. I am loving it - I love Jean's heart for people and for the underdog - it is soothing to me, like a warm bath with bubbles and chocolate for my heart.
Check it out and write a post or two - if you like. :) For now I am just soaking. Maybe more on it later.
Happy New Year
Shelley
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Stumbling toward Faith by Renee Altson
I just read this awesome little book. Renee is a survivor of terrible sexual abuse at the hands of her bible-quoting father. This book is her talking about her journey to survive, her life experiences as she has searched for healing and wholeness. It is honest and authentic and raw and for me gut-wrenching and challenging. She talks about what it was like for her trying to find peace in the evangelical church. She is not ranting or bitter or unfair, just honest. She does not blame, in fact she takes responsibility for her own journey. But she tells the reader of things that were said and done to her in the church that should stop us all in our tracks.
She also describes her own continuing path to healing as she describes a dear friend; "pointing me to springtime and light and life, all the while acknowledging the winter, the darkness, and pain.
I am so challenged and convicted and saddened by how much we have missed the hurting among us, with our "3 steps to freedom" organized answers and our proclamations of how Jesus makes everything okay. We have insulted and shamed those who carry deep pain that does not go away.
Can we have a church where we respect those who live in chronic pain? Can we be a place where it is okay to be broken and unfinished? Can we be a safe place to cry and be sad and angry and to grieve, or must we pounce on each other with prayers and solutions and expectations of victory at every sign of difficulty? Must we always need to fix each other and to see results? Is our christianity so formulaic that we have no room for honest, yucky darkness and sorrow? Do we have to be happy in order to believe?
Jesus was 'a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief' but we run from pain, we think it means things are wrong and must be fixed asap. We are uncomfortable and afraid around it, like it might spread to us like some kind of virus, or it might disprove our faith. We do not respect the journey of those who live with pain daily and maybe for their whole lives. We talk about how wonderful Jesus is and how he fixes everything. Yea, I do think he is wonderful and he can fix everything, but do we acknowledge and talk about how difficult his fixing is? and how long the fixing takes? and how hard that journey is? and that he is not afraid of pain, in fact he takes us there? and that we are all in process until the end of our days?
People like me who live out of a childhood foundation of love can be terribly ignorant of those who live without that foundation. Lord forgive us for our ignorance and narrow worldview. Forgive us for our pat answers and insistance on success.
If you know anyone who is an abuse survivor, and maybe if you are yourself and you are ready to read someone else's story, I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you are a part of the church you should read it.
And sorry, I can't loan you mine since I want to read it about 20 more times. I got it through Chapters online, it is published by Zondervan.
She also describes her own continuing path to healing as she describes a dear friend; "pointing me to springtime and light and life, all the while acknowledging the winter, the darkness, and pain.
I am so challenged and convicted and saddened by how much we have missed the hurting among us, with our "3 steps to freedom" organized answers and our proclamations of how Jesus makes everything okay. We have insulted and shamed those who carry deep pain that does not go away.
Can we have a church where we respect those who live in chronic pain? Can we be a place where it is okay to be broken and unfinished? Can we be a safe place to cry and be sad and angry and to grieve, or must we pounce on each other with prayers and solutions and expectations of victory at every sign of difficulty? Must we always need to fix each other and to see results? Is our christianity so formulaic that we have no room for honest, yucky darkness and sorrow? Do we have to be happy in order to believe?
Jesus was 'a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief' but we run from pain, we think it means things are wrong and must be fixed asap. We are uncomfortable and afraid around it, like it might spread to us like some kind of virus, or it might disprove our faith. We do not respect the journey of those who live with pain daily and maybe for their whole lives. We talk about how wonderful Jesus is and how he fixes everything. Yea, I do think he is wonderful and he can fix everything, but do we acknowledge and talk about how difficult his fixing is? and how long the fixing takes? and how hard that journey is? and that he is not afraid of pain, in fact he takes us there? and that we are all in process until the end of our days?
People like me who live out of a childhood foundation of love can be terribly ignorant of those who live without that foundation. Lord forgive us for our ignorance and narrow worldview. Forgive us for our pat answers and insistance on success.
If you know anyone who is an abuse survivor, and maybe if you are yourself and you are ready to read someone else's story, I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you are a part of the church you should read it.
And sorry, I can't loan you mine since I want to read it about 20 more times. I got it through Chapters online, it is published by Zondervan.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
An Explanation of 'Broken'
I use the term 'broken' referring to people quite a bit, as you might have noticed. A woman I know says to me every time I use that term "We are all broken, don't forget." She thinks it sounds like a qualifier or a negative label. In one way I agree with her. I don't want to put us all in categories. None of us are whole and none of us are immune to the effects of trauma, grief, disaster, hurt or disappointment in our lives. But in another way I disagree, and this is why I use the term 'broken'.
I grew up in a loving home and was introduced to Jesus at an early age. So even though my life has not been without trauma, I had parents and others who have invested in me my whole life, creating a foundation in me of value and love. When I use the term 'broken' I am referring to those who did not have that investment made in them when they were young. So they do not have that foundation of value and love to return to and to ground them. In addition, 'broken' people, as I am using the term, have experienced childhood trauma such as neglect or abuse. As a result their veiw of the world, their belief in their own value, their ability to trust, their ability to return to a secure place inside themselves, has been destroyed in varying degrees. They are 'broken'.
As a result of being 'broken', many people behave in ways that are challenging relationally. They are often protective of themselves, understandably. They may be offended very easily, because they have unhealed wounds. They are often afraid to trust and to believe the best of people, because that trust was shattered a long time ago. They are sometimes restless and unpredictable, like the world appears to be to them. They can be very needy, because indeed they are, having never been loved as they deserve to be. I use the term 'broken' because it reminds me to think of the loneliness underneath and not on what appears on the surface. They need us to look past their coping mechanisms and see who they really are. They are people of great value, as we all are.
I have a deep respect for the 'broken' among us. They have great courage and they continue on despite huge pain and huge gaps in their lives. I don't want to glibly say "We are all broken" and equate my experience of life with theirs, since I think that is insulting to them and dismissive of their experiences.
What is the same for us all though, is our need for Jesus to save and heal and rescue us. And what is also the same is that he can rescue all of us, no matter how 'broken' we are. There are no qualifiers - Jesus came for all of us.
I grew up in a loving home and was introduced to Jesus at an early age. So even though my life has not been without trauma, I had parents and others who have invested in me my whole life, creating a foundation in me of value and love. When I use the term 'broken' I am referring to those who did not have that investment made in them when they were young. So they do not have that foundation of value and love to return to and to ground them. In addition, 'broken' people, as I am using the term, have experienced childhood trauma such as neglect or abuse. As a result their veiw of the world, their belief in their own value, their ability to trust, their ability to return to a secure place inside themselves, has been destroyed in varying degrees. They are 'broken'.
As a result of being 'broken', many people behave in ways that are challenging relationally. They are often protective of themselves, understandably. They may be offended very easily, because they have unhealed wounds. They are often afraid to trust and to believe the best of people, because that trust was shattered a long time ago. They are sometimes restless and unpredictable, like the world appears to be to them. They can be very needy, because indeed they are, having never been loved as they deserve to be. I use the term 'broken' because it reminds me to think of the loneliness underneath and not on what appears on the surface. They need us to look past their coping mechanisms and see who they really are. They are people of great value, as we all are.
I have a deep respect for the 'broken' among us. They have great courage and they continue on despite huge pain and huge gaps in their lives. I don't want to glibly say "We are all broken" and equate my experience of life with theirs, since I think that is insulting to them and dismissive of their experiences.
What is the same for us all though, is our need for Jesus to save and heal and rescue us. And what is also the same is that he can rescue all of us, no matter how 'broken' we are. There are no qualifiers - Jesus came for all of us.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Am I Being Lied To?
Those of us who decide to get involved in someone else's journey often step in when someone is in a personal crisis. We start out listening earnestly and offering any support and help we can. But after a bit of time we might find ourselves wondering if they are telling us the whole story...we may hear bits of another side of things from others who are involved, and sometimes we even start to wonder if they are telling us the truth at all.
I used to think that I had to know whether someone was 'snowing' me or not in order to be of true assistance to them. How else could I offer good advice? I thought I needed to know the whole story in order to do that. But now, since I am not trying to fix anyone, I am finding my advice-giving is shrinking. I no longer try to help someone know what to do, or to tell them what I think they should do. I listen and try and point out what I think is healthy and right, and I try to get them to focus on themselves and the Lord and what they can do with Him, and not on others in their life, who is right and who is wrong, etc.
With some people lying or exaggerating or mis-representing the situation is a defense mechanism they have learned over a long period of time. Many people do not get help and support from others unless they are in a crisis situation. So they learn that exaggerating or even lying is necessary to get any help at all. Because of this, I have decided to do two things - first, I take them at their word. If someone is going to lie to me they will have to deal with the result of that, not me. I am not going to take on the responsibility of discerning what is true in everything they tell me. (I am more interested in how they are feeling anyway, and not just how they are expressing it.) And two, my goal is to be consistent in their life, whether they are 'up' or 'down'. I try to talk with them and check in consistently no matter what is going on. So if they are doing well I stay in their life. And if they are in crisis I don't change what I can do, how much time I can give, etc. unless I feel strongly directed by the Lord to do so. This eliminates the need for me to figure out which crises are 'true' and which are manufactured. And more importantly, I am hoping that by being consistent they will learn that they don't need to manipulate me to keep me on board with them.
It goes back to my last post - I have to know what I have to give and stick to that and be consistent, and not let their need dictate what and how much I can give. Of course, I am regularly submitting my decision on what that is to the Lord - I keep checking in because who knows, one day he may change what he wants me to do in a situation.
I used to think that I had to know whether someone was 'snowing' me or not in order to be of true assistance to them. How else could I offer good advice? I thought I needed to know the whole story in order to do that. But now, since I am not trying to fix anyone, I am finding my advice-giving is shrinking. I no longer try to help someone know what to do, or to tell them what I think they should do. I listen and try and point out what I think is healthy and right, and I try to get them to focus on themselves and the Lord and what they can do with Him, and not on others in their life, who is right and who is wrong, etc.
With some people lying or exaggerating or mis-representing the situation is a defense mechanism they have learned over a long period of time. Many people do not get help and support from others unless they are in a crisis situation. So they learn that exaggerating or even lying is necessary to get any help at all. Because of this, I have decided to do two things - first, I take them at their word. If someone is going to lie to me they will have to deal with the result of that, not me. I am not going to take on the responsibility of discerning what is true in everything they tell me. (I am more interested in how they are feeling anyway, and not just how they are expressing it.) And two, my goal is to be consistent in their life, whether they are 'up' or 'down'. I try to talk with them and check in consistently no matter what is going on. So if they are doing well I stay in their life. And if they are in crisis I don't change what I can do, how much time I can give, etc. unless I feel strongly directed by the Lord to do so. This eliminates the need for me to figure out which crises are 'true' and which are manufactured. And more importantly, I am hoping that by being consistent they will learn that they don't need to manipulate me to keep me on board with them.
It goes back to my last post - I have to know what I have to give and stick to that and be consistent, and not let their need dictate what and how much I can give. Of course, I am regularly submitting my decision on what that is to the Lord - I keep checking in because who knows, one day he may change what he wants me to do in a situation.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Getting Sucked In...or Not
A friend was telling me recently how she has started to try and spread some joy in those around her, in whatever small way she can. She had started to smile and nod and recognize an individual who she came across regularly. A bit of small talk sometimes...but after a bit of this, this individual began to hover a bit, and then to search her out and try and talk to her whenever their was an opportunity...and she began to feel uncomfortable. A bit hunted actually. She was being asked to give more than she had intended.
I think this happens a lot when we extend ourselves even a small bit to broken people. They feel the splash of cold water and they want to dive into the pool. My friend's response to this was to run for cover. She found herself avoiding this person whenever she could. The smiles and greetings stopped because she felt like she had created an expectation that she couldn't follow through on.
I have been in this position before many times, and done the same thing as she did. But wouldn't it be great if we could avoid the duck and run response and just keep on giving what we can? For me, I have to decide ahead of time what it is I am able to give and am comfortable with giving to someone. And then I have to stick to it, even if/when they try to get more from me. I can't let what they feel they need dictate what I give them, or I will get sucked in to a black hole of endless need and drown. And quit. It isn't an easy thing to stick to my guns and refuse to respond to the hints and manipulations and sometimes outright requests or demands. But if I don't respect myself and my limits, I will soon be out of the game completely.
My husband keeps reminding me I am running a marathon and not a sprint. And so I am right to pace myself. And I really do believe that if I am honest about my limitations, then the Lord will expand me and equip me so that I can do more. But for now, I do what I can in order to stay in the race.
I think this happens a lot when we extend ourselves even a small bit to broken people. They feel the splash of cold water and they want to dive into the pool. My friend's response to this was to run for cover. She found herself avoiding this person whenever she could. The smiles and greetings stopped because she felt like she had created an expectation that she couldn't follow through on.
I have been in this position before many times, and done the same thing as she did. But wouldn't it be great if we could avoid the duck and run response and just keep on giving what we can? For me, I have to decide ahead of time what it is I am able to give and am comfortable with giving to someone. And then I have to stick to it, even if/when they try to get more from me. I can't let what they feel they need dictate what I give them, or I will get sucked in to a black hole of endless need and drown. And quit. It isn't an easy thing to stick to my guns and refuse to respond to the hints and manipulations and sometimes outright requests or demands. But if I don't respect myself and my limits, I will soon be out of the game completely.
My husband keeps reminding me I am running a marathon and not a sprint. And so I am right to pace myself. And I really do believe that if I am honest about my limitations, then the Lord will expand me and equip me so that I can do more. But for now, I do what I can in order to stay in the race.
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Power of Joy
I have just read an awesome little book called Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, by James G. Friesen Ph.D., and others, published by Shepherd's House, Pasadena Claifornia. It is a short book (81 pages) that packs a powerful punch. It is written for those who work with the weak and wounded, and also for the wounded. Written by a group of counsellors and pyschologists who are christians; two Ph.D.'s, and 3 M.A.'s with 72 years of experience working with the wounded between them, it explains simply and profoundly the steps we all go through toward wholeness. I highly recommend this book!
The Power of Joy
One of the most encouraging things in this book is the power of joy. It seems that we were all created to operate in joy. From our birth, we have the basic human need to be 'the sparkle in someone's eye.' From this joy comes our strength to weather life's storms and to act like our true selves. In fact, it is the ability to return to joy that indicates maturity and wholeness. This is a great barometer for those working with the wounded - when you find yourself unable to return to joy (for example, within a reasonable period of time after giving to someone who is very wounded, or after serving in any capacity, or after a life crisis or challenge), it is time to take care of yourself and get what you need to return to joy. Respecting yourself and taking care of yourself in this way will keep you authentic and healthy.
Here is a bit from the book on joy.
"When this joy (being 'the sparkle in someone's eye') is the strongest force in a child's world, life makes sense, because children look forward to moments when they can re-connect to joy - by being with their beloved. Wonderfully enough, that innocent, pure desire that begins in childhood continues throughout life. Life makes sense and is empowered by joy when people are in relationship with those who love them and are sincerely 'glad to be with them'.
Joy also comes from a relationship with God. Throughout the Bible it is established that a powerful joy comes from a relationship with God who knows everything about me and is still 'as-glad-as-glad-can-get" to be with me.
...In fact, when the joy strength is properly laid, just the knowledge that someone would be 'glad to be with me,' even if not physically present at the moment, is enough to return me to joy. Images of faces, the memory of their responses, and the presence of God can all sufficiently return us to joy.
...Particularly for those who are in recovery, it is essential to be in authentic, joy-producing relationships that can build joy strength and assist in returning to joy. If a person in recovery is not empowered by joy, it may be impossible to face the pain that is part of recovery. In fact, the amount of joy strength available needs to be higher than the amount of pain. Therefore, building joy through life-giving relationships is often the first part of recovery.
Having enough joy strength is fundamental to a person's well being. We now know that a 'joy center' exists in the right orbital prefrontal cortex of the brain. It has executive control over the entire emotional system. When the joy center has been sufficiently developed, it regulates emotions, pain control and immunity centers; it guides us to act like ourselves; it releases neurotransmitters like dopamine and seratonin, and it is the only part of the brain the overrides the main drive centers - food and sexual impulses, terror and rage.
...the brain's joy center....is the only section of the brain that never loses it ability to grow! It is the one section of the brain that retains the ability to grow for our entire lives, which means that 'joy strength' can always continue to develop!"
...the bottom line is this - new foundations can be laid, damamged ones can be repaired, and stalled maturity (which happens at places/times in our lives where we were not able to return to joy) does not have to remain impaired."
This encourages and inspires me - that all of us have something essential and precious to give one another - authentic joy. It also gives me a guideline to help me take good care of myself - to avoid burning out or acting out of my own pain; both of which are damaging to those around me.
The Power of Joy
One of the most encouraging things in this book is the power of joy. It seems that we were all created to operate in joy. From our birth, we have the basic human need to be 'the sparkle in someone's eye.' From this joy comes our strength to weather life's storms and to act like our true selves. In fact, it is the ability to return to joy that indicates maturity and wholeness. This is a great barometer for those working with the wounded - when you find yourself unable to return to joy (for example, within a reasonable period of time after giving to someone who is very wounded, or after serving in any capacity, or after a life crisis or challenge), it is time to take care of yourself and get what you need to return to joy. Respecting yourself and taking care of yourself in this way will keep you authentic and healthy.
Here is a bit from the book on joy.
"When this joy (being 'the sparkle in someone's eye') is the strongest force in a child's world, life makes sense, because children look forward to moments when they can re-connect to joy - by being with their beloved. Wonderfully enough, that innocent, pure desire that begins in childhood continues throughout life. Life makes sense and is empowered by joy when people are in relationship with those who love them and are sincerely 'glad to be with them'.
Joy also comes from a relationship with God. Throughout the Bible it is established that a powerful joy comes from a relationship with God who knows everything about me and is still 'as-glad-as-glad-can-get" to be with me.
...In fact, when the joy strength is properly laid, just the knowledge that someone would be 'glad to be with me,' even if not physically present at the moment, is enough to return me to joy. Images of faces, the memory of their responses, and the presence of God can all sufficiently return us to joy.
...Particularly for those who are in recovery, it is essential to be in authentic, joy-producing relationships that can build joy strength and assist in returning to joy. If a person in recovery is not empowered by joy, it may be impossible to face the pain that is part of recovery. In fact, the amount of joy strength available needs to be higher than the amount of pain. Therefore, building joy through life-giving relationships is often the first part of recovery.
Having enough joy strength is fundamental to a person's well being. We now know that a 'joy center' exists in the right orbital prefrontal cortex of the brain. It has executive control over the entire emotional system. When the joy center has been sufficiently developed, it regulates emotions, pain control and immunity centers; it guides us to act like ourselves; it releases neurotransmitters like dopamine and seratonin, and it is the only part of the brain the overrides the main drive centers - food and sexual impulses, terror and rage.
...the brain's joy center....is the only section of the brain that never loses it ability to grow! It is the one section of the brain that retains the ability to grow for our entire lives, which means that 'joy strength' can always continue to develop!"
...the bottom line is this - new foundations can be laid, damamged ones can be repaired, and stalled maturity (which happens at places/times in our lives where we were not able to return to joy) does not have to remain impaired."
This encourages and inspires me - that all of us have something essential and precious to give one another - authentic joy. It also gives me a guideline to help me take good care of myself - to avoid burning out or acting out of my own pain; both of which are damaging to those around me.
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